2013… there have been better years

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There has been a lot of hurt in my heart for the year 2013. I’ve been trying to push through it and just do what I have to do… but when it doesn’t go away, what do you do with it? If I had the choice, I’d be living my life as simple as possible, which isn’t possible at all at the moment.

I definitely haven’t been bringing my A game this year. I’ve just been trying to survive. It is harder for me to concentrate when life keeps happening, especially when so much is expected of me.  Why did I choose law school again? Okay, I do know, but it’s harder to keep within the social justice mindset when I feel like everything is just too out of control. I don’t even know if I can make ends meet. I’m totally jealous of everyone I know with stability in their lives.

Maybe because I’m a cancer?  Cancers do great when they are loved and supported and have their emotional needs met.  When they aren’t, sometimes things go to chaos.  My biggest struggle this year was trying to not let it go to chaos. And it kind of did. But you know what? I tried.  I tried really hard. And I’m proud of myself for that.  There are times when I just wanted to let it all go.  But I didn’t. I make myself keep going. And I haven't completely lost it yet. (I hope).

There are so many people on my mind. Especially those that are going through really hard times.

I think about my brother in law every day. Christmas Eve will be the anniversary of when he lost his ability to move after a really bad car accident.  I just want to do something, anything, to make it better. I want to fix things, repair what might be unfixable. So that we can all feel like whole persons without that feeling that we are missing pieces of ourselves. I want the best for all of my family.

I like to think that life gives us hardships to teach us things.  Or at the very least, it is a constant learning process.  But while going through the times, sometimes it is hard to see the lesson.

My friend Noah died a few months ago. I haven’t talked about it publicly before this. I think about him every day, too.  I often imagine what kinds of comments he’d make about things. I remember when we used to sit and talk… I was surprised when he could read me, as not many people can. I see him everywhere, often in the faces of other people who look like him or stand the way he used to. Or I hear somebody laugh like him. He had good jokes, a lot of the time, to lighten the mood. 

I named my potted baby Christmas tree after him. I think he would appreciate that. I hope to plant it somewhere where nobody can cut it down and stick it in their living room. Another friend had the idea of planting a tree in the park in his name. Gosh, I miss you Noah.

So, I hope this isn’t going to be a trend on my blog – airing my emotions out. I didn’t intend for this to be my diary. I’m often private with my emotions and tend to avoid people when I’m not exactly a ray of sunshine. But sometimes you just gotta let it out, you know? Blog therapy.