Arizona: Where You Can Rape With Impunity

I remember when all the hoopla began. Lou Dobbs was still a very prominent figure head on CNN.  National and local media outlets constantly struck fear into the hearts of those still on alert because of attacks on U.S. soil.  The boogeyman was coming.  And who was that boogeyman?  The dark, the brown, the RAPIST. The dreaded, the feared, the “illegal.” 

Its hard for me to write about this because it makes me so angry.  Especially because it was such a lie. Most undocumented were just coming to work, not rape, and Sheriff Joe systematically ignored rape cases. He failed to go after real rapists while a rape fear campaign kept him in office. And he is still in office. Excuse me while I throw up for a second.

I’m going to come out with something very personal. It has been only recently that I’ve been able to talk about it openly.

The incident happened over a decade ago, in my first few weeks as a student at Arizona State University. But, it is only recently that I have begun to understand my own feelings. The beginning of 2013 was kind of horrible for me... I was working on a project dealing with domestic violence and rape in Indian Country. It was hard for me to concentrate on this work. The Stuebenville saga and the phenomena of rape culture was all over the media. I started having flashbacks. I would start to cry uncontrollably, shake, and have anxiety attacks.  I didn’t understand it.  Why am I freaking out all of a sudden, over something that happened over ten years ago?  

Then it dawned on me. I realized my denial. Previously, I couldn’t even bring myself to acknowledge the R word. Part of it was because at the time I blamed myself. I was underage, I went to a party, and I had one drink. I was doing "illegal" things in that sense. I blacked out, and when I woke up the next morning, my body felt a sense of euphoria, like I was on drugs. My girlfriends, who were drunk at the party, told me what happened. I immediately started to cry. At the time I was still fairly innocent. I phoned my “friend” who had thrown the party, the main perpetrator.  He immediately denied knowing I had been drugged.  I accepted it, maybe because I wanted to. I didn’t want to implicate myself for underage drinking. I didn’t report it.  I thought, what is the big deal?  I don’t even remember.  Its not like I feel the same trauma as someone who can remember.

Flash forward ten years. The realizations hit me suddenly, like the whole thing was a two by four that suddenly banged me over the head. How could I have believed him?!?  Prior to the incident I had repeatedly turned him down.  He knew I wouldn’t have done anything with him in that way. He and his buddies had another room apart from the party to take girls they had drugged. Witnesses say he let two other male friends partake after he had his way with me, and he admitted this in our phone conversation. It was obvious to the witnesses I wasn’t drunk…. I wasn’t even slurring or acting like a drunk person would. Instead, I was putting sentences together in strange incoherent ways, and acting like I was in a daze. Apparently, I was conscious. It should have been obvious. How could he not know? 

One of the reasons I get so outraged at Sheriff Joe Arpaio, is because it is so personal, and he allowed my situation to happen to other people unpenalized. What if I had reported it?  I would have been blamed, just like the girl in Steubenville, if they ever even decided to investigate. My undergraduate experience would have probably been awful. Especially given at the time, I would have had to rely on Maricopa County police.  Sheriff Joe’s guys. The same ones who are known not do give a damn about rape. Voters have known this for many years. And he is still in office. What the hell is wrong with you Arizona?

Here are some background stories on the issue:
 

Sheriff JoeArpaio: Too busy “busting illegals” to worry about sexual assaults

Sheriff Joe Arpaio Under Fire for Mishandled Sex Crime Cases

New Sex Crime Arises After Arpaio Fails to Investigate Alleged Rape

Joe Arpaio's Deputy Told to Work Fraud Cases Instead of Child Rape Crime

Another thought that always accompanies my outrage: What about undocumented women?  Even though I don’t believe they would have helped me, I do recognize at least I had the ability to call the cops.  If an undocumented woman is abused, if she is raped... she has nobody to call.  The police would treat her as if she was the criminal.  I’ve read about undocumented women being raped while in police and border patrol custody. They can do whatever they want. The majority of Arizona voters don't seem to care. 

I think I'm healing, but there are little things that bring all the outrage, hurt, and emotions to the forefront. As I scroll down my Facebook feed, I come across a "Christian" man who believes undocumented should have "no rights" because, (what else?) "they are illegal."  Well, you hypocrite, I hope you feel my wrath. You are the problem. You empower the oppressors and encourage rape. It is because of ideas like yours that officers feel like they have the green light to rape and assault as they wish. And they do. How frequently does this happen? God only knows.

Arizona, your concepts of right and wrong, legal and illegal physically make me sick. You absolutely disgust me, and you deserve every scathing target of my fury. No matter how weird it makes me feel, I believe women speaking out about their experiences is necessary. Silence is no longer an option.  The time has come for women need to stand in solidarity with each other and kick the crap out of this rape culture invading our families, our lives, and our territories.  The issue isn't going to go away on its own.

2013… there have been better years

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There has been a lot of hurt in my heart for the year 2013. I’ve been trying to push through it and just do what I have to do… but when it doesn’t go away, what do you do with it? If I had the choice, I’d be living my life as simple as possible, which isn’t possible at all at the moment.

I definitely haven’t been bringing my A game this year. I’ve just been trying to survive. It is harder for me to concentrate when life keeps happening, especially when so much is expected of me.  Why did I choose law school again? Okay, I do know, but it’s harder to keep within the social justice mindset when I feel like everything is just too out of control. I don’t even know if I can make ends meet. I’m totally jealous of everyone I know with stability in their lives.

Maybe because I’m a cancer?  Cancers do great when they are loved and supported and have their emotional needs met.  When they aren’t, sometimes things go to chaos.  My biggest struggle this year was trying to not let it go to chaos. And it kind of did. But you know what? I tried.  I tried really hard. And I’m proud of myself for that.  There are times when I just wanted to let it all go.  But I didn’t. I make myself keep going. And I haven't completely lost it yet. (I hope).

There are so many people on my mind. Especially those that are going through really hard times.

I think about my brother in law every day. Christmas Eve will be the anniversary of when he lost his ability to move after a really bad car accident.  I just want to do something, anything, to make it better. I want to fix things, repair what might be unfixable. So that we can all feel like whole persons without that feeling that we are missing pieces of ourselves. I want the best for all of my family.

I like to think that life gives us hardships to teach us things.  Or at the very least, it is a constant learning process.  But while going through the times, sometimes it is hard to see the lesson.

My friend Noah died a few months ago. I haven’t talked about it publicly before this. I think about him every day, too.  I often imagine what kinds of comments he’d make about things. I remember when we used to sit and talk… I was surprised when he could read me, as not many people can. I see him everywhere, often in the faces of other people who look like him or stand the way he used to. Or I hear somebody laugh like him. He had good jokes, a lot of the time, to lighten the mood. 

I named my potted baby Christmas tree after him. I think he would appreciate that. I hope to plant it somewhere where nobody can cut it down and stick it in their living room. Another friend had the idea of planting a tree in the park in his name. Gosh, I miss you Noah.

So, I hope this isn’t going to be a trend on my blog – airing my emotions out. I didn’t intend for this to be my diary. I’m often private with my emotions and tend to avoid people when I’m not exactly a ray of sunshine. But sometimes you just gotta let it out, you know? Blog therapy.

Evaluating Goals: Issues of Indigenous Sovereignty and Immigration

My worst fear in starting this blog was that I wouldn’t keep up with it regularly.  This semester has proven to be even more hectic than I thought it would be and I already have neglected many issues that I’ve wanted to write about.

That being said, I want to talk about goals.  I’ve set the bar pretty high.  I want social justice. My goals will not be accomplished until this country no longer promotes and perpetuates an authoritarian regime upon society and we are truly free.  Shouldn’t be too hard, right?  This is supposed to be a free country, right? I mean, just by scanning my Facebook feed on veterans day, it seems that the grand majority of everyone is in love with the concept of freedom, so why in the social justice context is freedom so extraordinarily difficult to attain?

My focus in law school has been indigenous law and policy. Though my studies, research, and life experience I have determined that indigenous people across borders and continents have been tremendously screwed out of basic rights. I am part of the movement for sovereignty, self determination, and decolonization in order to remedy this struggle.

Another issue that is constantly on my mind is immigration. I grew up 38 miles north of the border. I have experienced the constant monitoring of the Border Patrol. I often heard about bodies being found in the desert, too often women and children, who made quite the long journey only to perish in the struggle to survive. I grew up in a town right next to the Tohono O’odham Nation, a nation of which I am a member.  I grew up listening to stories of my friends and their families on the reservation – confrontations and harassment by the border patrol (I have been harassed many times myself), environmental destruction, inability to attend ceremonies with thousands of Tohono O'odham who live on the Mexican side of T.O. land, and the list goes on.

Because I spent my college days and some years after in the Tempe/Phoenix area, I became involved with the immigration struggle as I witnessed issues like rape, car theft, burglary, etc become ignored by the police as they took up the job of the border patrol and focused on immigration sweeps and arresting corn venders, fast food, and car wash workers instead. Undocumented victims of domestic violence, trafficking, and other crimes cannot call the police for help. Instead of being people one can rely on for help, Maricopa County Police have become nothing more than an armed white supremacist gang supported by the majority of white migrants (who only care about themselves) in Arizona. To put it lightly, this caused me to feel a lot of rage. I took part in marches, protests, and solidarity actions. I found a connection between the indigenous struggle and the migrant struggle, and tried to make others in the immigrant struggle aware of this connection. I was shot down. I was told that they are different struggles and that they are not connected.  

Dear people who shot me down: you are wrong. They couldn't be more connected.

Now many (not all, props to those who are awake) who I once protested with are now touting Comprehensive Immigration Reform.  I feel betrayed, even though I understand the movement was never completely with me on this issue. The compromises these folks are willing to make in order to get minor concessions from the government - to me it is unfathomable. Supporters of CIR are throwing the Tohono O'odham Nation, other indigenous border communities, and some of their very own people under a bus. Why do I think this?  The border patrol problems that existed when I was growing up have multiplied since 9/11.  CIR takes this multiplication and doubles it.  It adds trillions of dollars to more forces, drones, tanks, walls, and massive surveillance. Nothing to the failing education system, nothing to alleviate ailing economic conditions, and nothing to help out the community I came from. It is already a police state! And you know what?  The 11 million undocumented - those who Obama promises a path to citizenship... many of them will be filtered out because if you read the fine print, they still have to turn themselves in to be scrutinized for citizenship. Thousands will still be deported. This is not a compromise I am willing to ever support. Because of the concessions some are willing to make, I now I am fighting the same people I once stood in solidarity with (cough, cough, Raul Grijalva). In my view, they are still good people but have been deceived.  

I didn't intend for this blog to be this long.  Feel free to add to this discussion but don't bother if it is something like "well, when you consider the issues on the border we need security...." because I have heard it all. I constantly think and read about these issues, and if you think this, I think you are an idiot.  The more they force a police state upon us, the worse it gets.  I have so much more to say about this, but in the spirit of accomplishing things I am going to sign off for now. Peace.

just a fool to believe

I always look at it

Like an outsider looking in

But since the inside classifies me as American

I was born into their world of sin

And so begins the psychological battle

At birth they’ve got you by the saddle

They tell you who to respect

And who to consider good

But if they told the truth from the start

I wonder how many really would

I mean just a fool to believe

A lie without questioning

Write a blog she says.... I'm taking the advice

I'm claiming this space as my outlet for expression.  My place to share my experiences in life, law school, and everything in between. I've been wanting to write a blog for a long time. I keep putting it off. I haven't been able to justify it. I've made an academic commitment to the grind... committed to the clocks that dictate when and where I must be along with a schedule to which I must conform.  I have a lot to do. But in that doing, I need this.... This is my something to keep it all in perspective.  A documentation of the good, the bad, and the ugly.  What motivates me and why I have decided to embark on this journey - to what destination?

What am I doing this for?  I never dreamed of becoming a lawyer.  I'm doing this because circumstances led me here.  Long story short - I just got fed up with the status quo, bit the bullet and thought, why not? Might as well.

But, who does that?  Who spontaneously applies to law school and goes through the processes on a whim? Only to become a part of a mechanism I loathe - A system that undermines integrity, perpetuates a system albeit catering to the wealthy... creating circumstances which many of my classmates turn a blind eye - a status quo perfectly alright for those who embrace the system with all its privileges and many flaws.  A topic of posts to come.

Law school has been one hell of an emotional roller coaster, let me tell you. Going through the motions of compliance with the very system that perpetuates the very cycles of oppression I campaign against - molding myself to become apt to compete in within it - all the while trying not to lose my own integrity, my reason for getting involved in the first place, my drive... perspective.  I don't want to ever lose sight of why I came and what has led me down this insane path of academic hell.  A path I hope which leads to better days.

So, this is where I'm going to post pieces of my journey - thoughts, political posts, words of inspiration... come what may